So I Should, Right?

Experiences, Poetry, Psychology

Trigger Warning! This poem has been written out of wanting to spread awareness of the cruel and real issue of domestic violence. I chose to post this for Domestic Violence Awareness month.

The experiences discussed in this poem are ones that many people may relate to and do not directly indicate the incrimination of anyone specific. Art needs to be left to interpretation. This poem is art and is a representation of stories and situations that have happened over many lifetimes.

This poem has been written with young females in mind, those who are particularly vulnerable to domestic abuse. I have been hesitant about posting this poem due to my own personal experiences, but I firmly believe that the only way to truly stop the chaos of these types of behaviors is to expose them and discuss them.

I know that many women, men, and people all over the world are victims of domestic violence which I find to be an umbrella term for a variation of different abuse such as; verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, isolation and so on.

If you have ever experienced any of those, please know that you are not alone. If you are currently experiencing any of those mentioned above you are not alone. It can be hard to cope and you might feel like you have nobody to turn to. The truth is that there are organizations who can help you escape from the chaotic prison of domestic violence. If you or someone you know is in danger please contact https://www.thehotline.org/

But He's My Boyfriend So I Should....  

I can let him use my car. 

In fact, he can have it because I have two. 

I can watch his kids while he goes to work. 

Isn’t that a woman is supposed to do? 

I can have sex with him, even when I don’t want to. 

He’s my boyfriend, so I should, right? 

Late at night when I’m tired after the fight, after the fright. 

After the work, the chores, the responsibility. I can let him finish in me. 

He’s my boyfriend so I should, right? 

He got arrested and sent to jail. It was a mess, yeah. 

I’ll meet him at the station, for his mini vacation. 

I’ll pick him up and bail him out.

He’s my boyfriend so I should, right? 

One time he crashed the car into a local bar. 

He was in trouble again. I took the gun and fled. 

I’ll take the charge. He’s my boyfriend, so I should. Right? 

I told him once it was that time of the month. 

I wasn’t feeling well, he told me to go to hell. 

Just because one part of you doesn’t work tonight. 

That doesn’t mean your mouth can’t do the job. 

He’s my boyfriend, so I should, right? 

Is my purpose on this earth only for him? 

Gonna go out on a whim, I can bet that 

I’m not the only one he is swimming in. 

It’s okay though. Can’t it all be forgiven? 

The time he went to bed with a homeless chick and then stuck his -

In me on the same night? STDs are now part of my life. 

It’s alright. He’s my boyfriend, so I should, right? 

Male aggression is a weapon often used by those who were abused, 

Don’t know how to handle their power so they cower in fear 

Take it out on any woman near because they think of us as lesser. 

They think of us as weak. 

In fact, we are not. We are strong, and many of us sing the same song 

Even if we don’t speak about it. 

We know. 

We know what it means to be a “woman”.

We wear our womanly title with pride. This time.  

He lied to me again. It’s been hundreds of times. 

He wants me to need him, and believe him. 

He’s my boyfriend, so I should, right? 

I tried to exercise today but he wanted me to stay. 

Home. Without My Phone near. 

He says that if I leave to take care of myself, it means 

I don’t care about him. 

I need to prove myself to him, so I stay home. 

He’s my boyfriend, so I should. Right? 

My self-care is not important. He is my world. 

If I don’t listen then he says I won’t be his girl. 

He likes to go through my phone. 

He checks my messages but gets mad when he sees 

That my tone is appropriate when I speak to others. 

He gets mad that I’m so perfect. He told me that once. 

Upset that he couldn’t find any dirt. 

I couldn’t understand it, but I said damn it - 

This is me. I’m loyal, don’t you remember, I’m your Queen. 

But Queens do not get treated like peasants. 

Remembering now I see how unpleasant it really was. 

He made my son cry. I wanted to die. 

I felt like a useless mother, one who could not protect another. 

He left, but I forgave him. He always comes back if I let him. 

He’s my boyfriend so I should, right? 

He threatened my life while holding a knife. 

Locked himself in the bathroom all night. 

He said if he died it would be my fault. I would be blamed. 

He talks about me publicly and I am victim-shamed. 

But it’s all okay. I can tolerate it for love. 

I wear rose-colored glasses for him. 

He’s my boyfriend, so I should. Right? 

It’s hard to go to the store. Now sometimes I wish for more. 

Normalcy must hate me. This is my new reality. 

Walking down the aisles, it feels like miles 

He stares angrily and wants to yell at me. 

We are in public so he starts his shit with another man. 

He makes me hold his hand, 

He grabs me by the wrist and often I flinch, 

Because I don’t know what he will do. 

I accept him though. 

Because he is my boyfriend and I should, right? 

If I become upset or show any emotion,

Or ask him Why -

He starts to pry.

He will yell and tell 

Me that I’m overreacting.

That he loves me more than life itself.

And since his life is miserable 

I take pity and accept his words.

Because he is my boyfriend and I should, right? 

Tonight he blew up on me and the kids.

He lost his lid.

I jumped in front of the smallest one, 

To prevent him from the turmoil.

The physical impact,

I took it for him.

He slammed me down 

After picking me up and holding me high above his head.

The pain I felt was nothing,

Compared to the feeling of just wanting to be dead.

I was swollen for two weeks.

He promised after that to keep his hands off me.

He apologized but blamed everyone but himself,

Again I accepted.

Because he is my boyfriend and I should, right? 

Tonight I did cocaine;

To numb me from the pain.

I just didn’t want to feel anything.

When he asked me where I got it.

I told him it was from a friend.

He told me now that I would never see that friend again,

Or the light of day. 

He beat my ass so hard that if I would have survived, 

Doctors would have to reconstruct my face.

He threatened me all the way.

Through his words, his actions,

His choices,

I was nothing to him.

A toy.

A punching bag.

To Him, I was not even a human -

Just an outlet so he could 

Do to me what they did to him.

The only difference is I didn’t survive.

Because physically and mentally I am no longer alive,

Writing this from the other side. 

I hope the words I say pave the way

And Clear a path 

For those who might be lost.

If you’re reading this it’s not too late

To Escape and start over new even if it’s just you.

It’s better to be alone and discover yourself,

Build your wealth and take care of your health,

Put yourself first

Before the worst happens.

You don’t need to accept anything less.

Just because he is your boyfriend, and you think you should. Right?